I am not always proud of the parent that I am.
Sometimes I just wish I could erase huge blocks of time from my life. I don't want to remember the half hour screaming matches or the times I wish my kids were not around. They can be tough to deal with sometimes. Being a parent isn't always peaches and rose petals, but it seems too much of the time is spent in arguments over clothes or what shoes to wear. It seems lately that I am remembering too many of those moments and if I am, what are the kids thinking.
I don't want them to think that I am some monster.
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| They really are the best kids |
The frustration boils over sometimes and when it comes out, it comes out. Normally if you get mad or frustrated with something you have an avenue to calm yourself down, but when it's just you and one of your kids, what are you supposed to do?
I yell, and I yell way too much.
I just can't think of anything else to do and I know that this is not the best course of action because it's only going to make the situation worse. Picture a four year old who can't make up his mind over what shirt to wear, he's frustrated and angry already, and then throw in a parent screaming at the top of his lungs. If I was a four year old I surely wouldn't like it and I would probably scream and cry a little louder. That in turn makes me scream a little louder, which makes everything that much worse.
I would never do anything to harm these kids, but it frustrates me to no end when situations just spiral out of control. How DO you control yourself when you have a kid crying hysterically and the only thing you want him to do is to stop?
They are great kids 99% of the time, but too often I'm remembering that other 1%.
I am constantly learning how to be a better parent, but sometimes it seems like I am failing the class.
Man, you would tell me the same thing that I am going to tell you. Just like you wrote yesterday..We are not perfect. Our kids have moments and so do we. Its hard sometimes to step back and breathe and then handle it. I think we all yell at times. It happens. Dude, you wouldnt believe how many times I have sat in the bathroom and cried because I snapped at my kid or kids and then felt like shit. WE ALL DO IT. And Im gonna say it. If someone tells you they never yell at their kids, they are lying. You care, that is why it happens. Your kids know that stuff happens too. We all want our OWN moments away. Look, I know that Tracy and I are different than a lot of parents in the way we handle things, but if you get time., Check out Love and Logic.Com Its a gentle parenting site and while some of it may not be in your style and work for you , some of it may. I had a bad night last night myself with the kids and all I could do is go in the bathroom look in the mirror and tell myself that tomorrow is another night. You are a good man.
ReplyDeleteDitto, nobody's perfect and I freak out about yelling at them too. A things that work recently. Since mine are so close in age, the frustration now is usually them fighting or bugging each other, so I just say, "I don't care who did what, each of you go to your own room NOW". And splitting them up helps. If its really bad / I'm unusually angry, as much as I hate putting them in front of the tv, them watching 30 minutes of Tom & Jerry is better than me brow beating them to death on "why, why did you do this if you know its wrong, huh, why". I used to be very staunchly anti-tv, but I've learned its better than dad yelling. Many times they deserve some punishment, but many times, dad is just in a bad mood and he's the one that needs the timeout.
ReplyDeleteIf you have the discipline for it, we used to do it, but slacked off, there is a book 1, 2, 3 Magic that works pretty well. If they do something wrong, don't say anything, but 1. If they do something else, don't say anything, but 2. If they keep up, say 3 and then put them in their room. Seems easy, but worked, we need to get back on it. Hang in there, only 6 or 7 more years till you can send them to military school.
You are aware John, that's what's most important..if you didn't give a crap, then you would be a crappy parent. Don't focus on that one percent, take a breath or two or five. You can't possibly be a bad dad with all those legos, seriously. At four I gave limited choices about clothes and food - you can wear this or this..ultimately they made the choice - now they're on their own
ReplyDeleteI simply tell my girls, 'sorry I yelled and acted so meanly. I'm not perfect.' When I'm raw with them about how insanely crazy they drove me, they get it and chill. I've learned, little by little, to forgive myself. Breathe. That's all you can do. Breathe.
ReplyDeleteV.
I guess the first step is recognizing my own behavior... It's not always easy, glad to know I am not alone.
ReplyDeleteThey don't have military school for four year olds?
ReplyDeleteHi hon...I love that you put that out there..I really do! Cause it is real and we all go through this! I have five kids from 30 on down to 8 and there are days that I wanna run away and hide.have hung my head in shame and cried! I have also taught preschool for 27 years ...mostly 2 year olds. So I wish I could say at 51 I have this one pegged..but now and again I still let fly with the yelling thing. So breathe you are human..you are a parent and well that is what happens when we care..sometimes it gets the best of us.
ReplyDeleteAdvise..I have a little if you would like to hear it. After years of being in the classroom and 30 years of my own kiddos LOL...here it is...stop, step back and breathe..deep breathing..several like 20..I mean deeeeep breathing. Calms the body and mind. I know it sounds cheesy..but it works. When I was a younger parent I really worried about control...were they dressed properly..did they eat the right stuff..is the bed made the right way..etc. etc. control. I have let go of that..it was hard cause I am a bit anul LOL! So now..with my last little chickie...if the socks don't match..I am ok..if the shirt is not on and we are walking out the door..well..we go and they get it on wicked quick. (only happened once), if it takes ten minutes longer..I breathe and do something else while they poke along (and plan for it ahead of time). Always think twice before I say no and always follow through on what I threaten...we are going home if you don't stop..we go...errands not done..we go home. But the best tool...breathe..long and deep and know that this too shall pass...really it will..I promise! Hang in there hon!! Sarah
I guess you are right. Knowing is the most important thing... It's just beyond frustrating when you present them with choices A, B, and C and they want D, but won't tell you what D is.
ReplyDeleteI drink.
ReplyDeleteHopefully at the end of the day we can put it all behind us, and they understand what happened. I'll keep on breathing, thanks.
ReplyDeleteI think everyone feels like this sometimes. Recognising it is great and certainly telling people "hey I do this, I know its not great but its how I cope" is a good step.
ReplyDeleteI had a similar conversation with a friend yesterday. I said about how my sons behaviour is changing since going to a childminders and I just find myself snapping at him. I felt awful admitting it but she assured me that she does it too, but on a daily basis.
When I look back on when I was little I can't remember any shouting at me from my parents, but I know they did it, so I'm hoping this will be the same for my son.
30 to 8? God bless you! You are closest thing to an expert I know. Thank you for the advice.
ReplyDeleteI think that's the key thing - it's totally normal to get frustrated once in a while, the key is being aware that you've done it and trying to figure out how to prevent it so it doesn't become the norm. I bet even Ghandi yelled at his kids. Because they're kids! They just don't LISTEN!
ReplyDeletewww.dadandburied.com
Hi. My name is Tyler and I am a dad and a yeller too. It's been three hours since my last yell...
ReplyDeleteI feel your pain. Hang in there.
I hope they remember the good times and not the times spent fighting over something in the long run that is meaningless
ReplyDeletewel, there is that too
ReplyDeleteJust adding my voice to the others saying pretty much all of us have been there. It's an issue I struggle with, especially around getting the kids to school and bed. Thank you for being brave enough to share this publicly. I certainly don't have the problem tamed, but I do find agree with the suggestions to breathe. I've also gotten a lot of help from one of the best books on parenting I know, _Parenting from the Inside Out_ by Dan Siegel. It gives an explanation of why we lose it, and some pretty solid tips on how to make it happen less AND how to repair your relationship with your kids afterwards. One of the favorite things I've ever heard on parenting is that "it's not the thing you've done, but what you do AFTER the thing that you've done." Helping your kids make sense of your behavior by owning what you did and apologizing can do so much to help them cope better with the yelling.
ReplyDeleteJust last night I said to my wife that I feel like a failure as a parent. Unlike your kids, my daughter is challenging 99% of the time and is an angel 1%. That sounds aweful but it took a lot to come to terms with that. I use counselling services and I read a lot of parenting books, blogs, and articles. In fact, the reason I started dad-blogging was to help me cope and to force me to write about the good times and the funny times. I feel badly for my son because he misses out on a lot because we're too busy dealing with our girl. This is something we are working on as a family (more time with the boy.)
ReplyDeleteYou are not a failure. Yelling is a reaction to stress and is natural. As a teacher I have trained myself to never raise my voice (it wasn't easy) but to use a firm voice instead. My cousellor has also given me several techniques to deal with my own stress and with my daughter's behaviour. If you want to chat about this you know I'm here for you man. Start with a quick time out to breathe - sounds cheesey but it really works. Self-talk is also amazing (makes you feel like a werido but it works.)
I understand how you feel. I jump to yelling quicker than I should sometimes. It's frustrating because it doesn't help. Not even to make YOU feel better. None of us is perfect. So take a deep breath. When there's calm, think of a better way to handle these situations for all. Sometimes when Peanut is spiraling out of control, and I feel myself "not helping," I tell her I'm going to leave the room until she calms down. And I calm down too then go back in there. But just recognizing this makes you a good dad. Don't be so hard on yourself.
ReplyDeleteI think you are my Canadian twin brother or something. The younger of our two takes a little bit more work than the older one. I feel bad for him sometimes that so much of the focus is on te little brother
ReplyDeletePart of me just needed to vent and reassure myself that I am not alone and that EVERY parent goes through this, thanks for letting me.
ReplyDeleteIf you aren't frustrated and angry some of the time, you aren't parenting right. It happens because we're human. Because we're flawed. And its ok because we recognize we want to be better even if it doesn't always happen. I don't know if there is anything you can do to stop getting frustrated or angry. But the next time you want to yell, step back and take a deep breath. See what happens. And hang in there. We've all been there (and will most likely be there tomorrow too).
ReplyDeleteAny time..I have put in a few years LOL:)
ReplyDeleteYou mean I have to do this again tomorrow? Everyday is a learning experience huh?
ReplyDeleteAwesome post, because there is no perfect parent. There is no perfect anything. What does make you a GOOD parent is that you are aware you are yelling. A parent who is failing would see nothing but themselves and nothing would change. It's okay to yell at kids sometimes, but I get what you are saying. My kids drive me batty and I am not a patient person unless it comes to my kids. For some reason I can pretty much handle anything with them; think it's because of my son's Autism. I learned early on when he wasn't talking much and was in speech therapy that I wasn't even giving him time to respond. Sometimes kid's are working at a slower level, we want answers now, and them to do something, Now. Step back and let them think it out, or work out the consequences of the wrong shirt. Give them a time limit, two more minutes to decide or I decide for you, or two more minutes of legos then we go to the store. Just my two cents. Hang in there!
ReplyDeleteThanks so much Cari, things are a little more difficult for the kids to make decision, I really need to slow things down a little bit and take that into account.
ReplyDeleteI am right there with you.
ReplyDeleteI have learned to just take it all in and then bring it all down a notch or two. It's tough to kneel down and try to make Little Man feel better when he wrestles with his shirt. And it's really tough to not lose it completely when the older ones start going at each other. Sometimes I fail miserably at it and actually see myself running in circles as I try to yell my way through it.Other times... I am a jedi knight, who is one with the force. I keep calm... They calm down. This works best for us. I have been getting better and better at it. Now I am working on mind control. Maybe I can get them to clean their rooms with a wave of my hand.
Good luck with that... The wave of a hand would come in real handy sometimes.
ReplyDeleteWe ALL feel that way, friend. This is the hardest job! There's just no easy way to manage it & we all lose our cool now and then. Who is equipped to deal with children all day every day and not freak the hell out?
ReplyDeleteEvery day I can think of something I wish I could take back, or re-do. I feel like I can always be doing better. Just the fact that you have the intention to be a better parent will bring that to fruition. I just know you are doing a great job with your kids. XO
Hey John, I was touched reading this from you today. I applaud you for your vulnerability as you are probably saying out loud what the rest of us are just quietly thinking. I never considered myself a yeller and when it happens, I find myself gasping and covering my mouth in surprise. I wonder if that sound actually came out of MY mouth! As someone else commented, I do plenty of apologizing. Our kids may look at us like we're on some kind of pedestal, but they need to know we are human also-not perfect-and admitting an apology will mean something significant to them. They won't forget that humble side of you. Keep your chin up, brother.
ReplyDeleteIf you just substitute "dad" with "mom," this post could have been about me. I've found what works for me the most when I seem to be totally blowing my top over frustrating (but truly minor) events is to just make my kids (2, 2, & 4yo) go in their room for a while and play. I usually make them stay in their for 30 minutes or so, just long enough for me to regain my self control and sanity. After I have a little breather, it's easier for me to handle all the mundane, repetitive nonsense my kids throw at me, and I have the clarity of mind to say "Mommy was getting really grumpy, I'm sorry about that," and the kids and I can "reset" our attitudes and move forward.
ReplyDeleteI have also found that the key to avoiding arguments over really dumb decisions with my 4yo is to address the situation long before it is crunch time for the decision to be made. If your kid is the type to argue over clothes (like mine) maybe ask him the night before what he would like to wear the next day. My kid is happier and more cooperative when there's no pressure to make a choice RIGHT NOW.Good luck, I totally understand where you're coming from with all of this, and I am rooting for you. :)
Like everyone else has said, it's completely normal to feel the way you do. But you *can* learn to yell less. It's hard and I have had to work SO FRAKKING HARD on it, but it is possible. Honestly, therapy helps. Also, doesn't hurt to get your kids evaluated just in case. If they have a sensory issue, then maybe they hate certain types of clothes, noises, food, etc. Learning to manage the triggers helps make life A LOT calmer. Good luck and keep on the path - you'll get there. Another book recommendation: Parenting with Love and Logic.
ReplyDeleteI'm right there with you. I sometimes wonder why I have to resort to screaming at my boys. It makes you feel downright awful. I think my problem is trying to do too much and too fast, and not leaving myself room to have patientce. You are obviously an excellent parent so don't beat yourself up- at least you realize you don't like this about yourself. Best of luck with finding what will help calm you. . .I had to think of Anger Management the movie starring Adam Sandler, find your coping mechanizim. :)
ReplyDeleteBy the way, this is Robyn from http://tipsfromtheheart.blogspot.com
ReplyDeletetwitter @heartforthehome
Oh man! I'm the kind of jerky dad that laughs while the little tyke is freaking out over things like having to put his shoes on the right feet. I'm definitely going to keep an eye out for some answers here.
ReplyDeleteThis is EXACTLY how I've been feeling lately, minus the penis-factor. I'm a mom with 2 little girls. My girls are 7 & 9 and they know that when I say, "Mommy needs a 5 minute time-out" that if they don't shape up before I come back out of my room (or whatever corner of the house I retreat to), they're in for a night of NO FUN. I have learned to take myself out of the situation before I completely blow up. That way I can take a few breaths and decide if it's something they REALLY need to be yelled at for (trying to use the toaster to give a doll a tan on her legs) or if it's something that really ISN'T that big of a deal (wanting a drink of water BEFORE putting away laundry rather than after although I've asked them to put it away 3 times already and know it would be a lot quicker if they'd just do it MY way! lol). All of that being said, I don't do it perfectly, or even close. I yell, I punish by assigning extra chores and then yell some more when they don't do those either.
ReplyDeleteWhenever I really start to question my fitness as a parent, it seems like that's when those unexpected hugs and "I love you mom"s come, or they start acting so sweetly, or they do something so funny that I'm in tears from laughing. Those are the moments I try to hang on to. Those are the moments when I take comfort in knowing that although I'm not perfect, at least I'm present and trying, and if I screw up and overreact to something, I sit down with the girls an apologize for the way I reacted and we talk about what each of us could have done to help things turn out differently.
And some days...when I can't take it any more...I end my rant with "BECAUSE I'M THE MOM AND I SAID SO!" ;-)
Lighten up John...I know you are a GREAT dad...so do your kid!
ReplyDeleteThanks Bruce... It's nice to hear. I just needed to vent a little and reassure myself that I am not the only one that goes through this.
ReplyDeleteI really appreciate your honesty. Parenting I think, is one of the hardest things anyone will do. I'm a single mom and there are days when I just can't take it any more and want to run away. Of course, I never would. Who would feed the cats? When I get like this I go weed the garden when it's nice out or take a book and lock myself in my room. I need to get away from the situation or I'll blow a gasket! Same as you, though, there are times I wish I could erase those times as well.
ReplyDeleteI hear you. I only have one five year old boy and I sometimes am afraid he's going to grow up thinking, "Why did dad yell at me so much? I was just a little kid and didn't know any better."
ReplyDeleteI do a lot of "Don't do this. Stop doing that." It's impatience more than anything and I, like you, tend to dwell after the fact on all of those times when I wish I had been more easy going.
What I've learned to do is, before I lob some reprimand or comment in his direction, look at myself through his eyes. Imagine what it's like to have someone twice your size yell at you something. It's stopped me from being an ogre many times.
Don't beat yourself up too much
A little late on this one but i just found your blog so "Back Off!" LOL.
ReplyDeleteI get the same was
I am even later to this but I just found it too. Stump, this is one of the more amazing things I have seen written, "
ReplyDeleteWhat I've learned to do is, before I lob some reprimand or comment in his direction, look at myself through his eyes. Imagine what it's like to have someone twice your size yell at you something." Simply put, yet extremely powerful. Thank you for writing it.